Google Search volume 14,900,000
“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” ~ Pema Chödrön
Going into a self-imposed exile from all familial relations can be the most challenging and difficult decisions that you will make during your lifetime. It is not a game or a manipulation tactic that could be used to get other’s to empathize with you and see the deficiency in the familial dynamics. Going no contact means just what the label implies.
When cutting off all communications with your toxic family becomes the only way to move on with your life, then that becomes the breaking point in your relationship with them. Your personal boundaries had long been ignored and the abuse from these narcissists continues to increase in intensity.
You simply had enough of being the punching bag for your abusive narcissist siblings, and to a lessor extent, your narcissistic mother. The pain you feel becomes overwhelming and when you understand that there can not be reciprocation within your family on any level.
But still, your questions and concerns to get to a mutual understanding of differences are gaslighted and ignored. You’re tired of apologizing for things that you were never guilty of, and you’re tired of your deepest concerns and feelings being ridiculed. You have not had a voice in family discussions, and have been left out of very important information, including the death of relatives.
Narcissism becomes particularly “malignant” (i.e. malevolent, dangerous, harmful, incurable) when it goes beyond mere vanity and excessive self-focus. Malignant narcissists not only see themselves as superior to others but believe in their superiority to the degree that they view others as relatively worthless, expendable, and justifiably exploitable. This type of narcissism is a defining characteristic of psychopathy/sociopathy and is rooted in an individual’s deficient capacity for empathy. It’s almost impossible for a person with such shallow feelings and such haughtiness to really care about others or to form a conscience with any of the qualities we typically associate with a humane attitude, which is why most researchers and thinkers on the topic of psychopathy think of psychopaths as individuals without a conscience altogether. – Dr. George Simon
Your siblings never had your back and now you must make a decision to move on from the sea of toxicity that has contaminated your well being and healthy optimism that is you.
When dealing with people who are infected with a malignancy of narcissism, or NPD-Narcissist Personality Disorder, it imperative to understand that you are not dealing with normal and healthy individuals. All of the norms within established social boundaries don’t exist in their world. The mind of a malignant narcissist has been twisted into a surreal cauldron of delusional fantasy, and there is no ‘talking sense’ to them. They simply believe themselves to be haughtily superior in their pathological need to dominate.
Because of this, the notion of “Hope” is no longer attainable in your desire to make things right in the relationship. You have always been a pawn to play for their selfish needs and nothing more. And unfortunately, this pattern will never cease, as recently witnessed be me after breaking my self-imposed no contact rule with a toxic family. I found the toxicity was still there
When I originally made the decision to insulate myself from the family, I had not known about NPD or other ClusterB disorders. I was however, very much aware of the overt brother’s internal conflicts that were nothing less than destructive and violent. I had described him a a psychotic sociopath, and I wasn’t far removed in my amateur but understood assessment.
Most disturbingly, was the covert sister’s disorder that was becoming evident, with some questionable events. Yet, I couldn’t grasp the idea that people, especially a family member, could maliciously inflict damage to such a degree. And then to deny it. It would take some years before I realized that the entire scene was a set-up by her, and her alone. The brother and younger sister had been manipulated and gaslighted in to her scheme of my destruction.
Going No Contact is a touchy subject. Most people will not understand the need for it as they haven’t been exposed to the underhanded attacks by a person who suffers from a malignant personality disorder. Also, people don’t feel comfortable with the idea of cutting off family members for life. There will be consequences of what others might think of you while preserving your sanity.
Consequences that will follow you for the remainder of your life. These consequences with be the direct result of the narcissist’s smear campaign. They will align everyone against you. Whoever was in your common circle of support, whether they be acquaintances, business contacts, or the remainder of family will side with the pathological narcissist. Through their smears, you will find that everyone has turned their back on you and taken sides with the manipulative narcissist. You have been erased from history.
Making the decision to go No Contact is never easy and is more like choosing the lesser of two evils. It may also feel like an emotional death of sorts – to become as an emotional orphan. You may find yourself grieving or mourning the loss of “what could have been”, but bear in mind that you’ve done this countless of times before. Needless to say, an acute depression may set in and weigh on your soul for a time.
Going No Contact is not necessarily a decision to stop loving the person or family, but rather a decision to stop being targeted by destructive behavior. Let them be who they are going to be while not letting their behavior hurt you any more.