Several years ago, I was having a conversation with my sister about her meeting with our relatives from my mother’s side of the family, when she interrupted my fair questions of the German culture and their personal demeanor. As far as I can remember, I’ve been genuinely interested in the “person” behind the persona.
“For the most part, we lie to avoid something we don’t want. Or, we lie to get something we desire but fear we can’t secure honestly. But manipulative malignant narcissists often lie for a more sinister reason. And that reason begs further exploration.”Excerpt from “Lies Manipulative Malignant Narcissists Tell” by Dr. George Simon
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” she barked through the phone. “You’re remembering wrong” she continued. “Stop asking questions” she demanded. Not only were these responses unnecessary, they were way off the mark in the topic at hand.
I grew up with bullies and manipulators and learned to easily identify them through their words, even more than their actions.
On this occasion, her voice was cold and distant in tone and my gut was telling me to listen very closely to her words. In contradiction of her spoken words, it didn’t sound right being that she was sharing with her brother to whom she professed camaraderie, the excitement of meeting our German brethren for the first time.
None of us had any contact with them throughout the years for a couple of obvious reasons, one of which that they were far removed by virtue of being on the European continent. It just wasn’t plausible to establish contact with the family knowing, or rather, believing that the language barrier was a deterrent. As years went on, the notion of contact with them faded into oblivion.
But there was no real emotional excitement in her voice, and only brief descriptions of the family were portrayed, all of which were shallow without revealing a deeper understanding of the ‘persons’ being presented.
As I had many questions of the characterization of the family as a whole, my inquiries were left empty and without reconciliation. Telling, was there was no praise of the individuals that might offer a glimpse into the persona behind the names. In contrast, the life came to her only when the mention of German food being “aweful” and a complaint about an overcharge of a car rental.
The narrative that I was being told was failing the “smell test” in such a way that it was laughable. In spite of all of the half-truths she had spoken through many years, this time I wasn’t willing to give her the benefit of doubt and call it ‘water under the bridge’. For far too many years and through too many questionable negative events that had happened, I was no longer willing to give her a pass on what was now visible as bullshit.
What the hell is wrong with this picture?, I asked myself. My intuitive nature told me exactly what was going on; she was hiding material facts about the ‘family’ and her true purpose of making a visit to meet them.
Could she be such a liar and so deceptive to withhold pertinent family information from me, information that I had a right to know? I always new her to be controlling, even to the point of being unhealthy, but this was family and there was no logical reasoning for this deception.
It was during this conversation that major red flags were exposed, and the closer I listened, I realized that I was talking to a pathetic liar. She was telling on herself with her narrative that was rife with conflicting remarks.
“Narcissists react dramatically to any hint of wrongdoing or calling-out because even the most minuscule crack in their façade is not an isolated event, easily forgiven and forgotten. No! Their entire False Narrative, their very lives, are at stake. The House of Cards they’ve carefully constructed shudders and threatens to fall if they’re caught in even one lie.Excerpt from “Narcissism Meets Normalcy” by Lenora thompson
When you start tugging on the loose string of their pathological lying, they’re acutely aware that their entire lives and their very selves may well unravel. That’s why they freak out. Get angry. Attack us with yet more lies. Unleash the flying monkeys. Call us the liars.
Pull at the loose string of narcissistic pathological lying at your peril. But, sometimes, it’s totally worth it!”
I had always believed that truth needs not be concealed with a cloak of darkness. Truth is truth and can never change. Only the perception of truth can and often does change by the one who controls the narrative. Unfortunately, this distortion of truth even if repeated many times is still a lie. And with that, we all, as a people, suffer a grave injustice by the manipulator of material facts.
There was a cover-up being orchestrated which was ‘in-your-face’ obvious by a sudden twisting of facts and excuses given by her while informing her of conflicts in what she was saying. Gaslighting was not yet a familiar term, but I knew what she was doing in the way of her implanting doubt of my keenly coherent observations.
It was her many excuses to not give contact information to the German family that finally set off alarm bells that could no longer be ignored. After all of the excuses were given, she told me that only one person spoke English and that she would have to get permission.
The very excuses that were told to me had been regurgitated ‘ver batim’ by the younger sister who had accompanied her during her trip to Europe. Ok, I get it now. The cover-up was as clear as it could be.
And I believe I know why.
It was after this real life scenario that I was awakened by the obvious. Not only is my trusted sister a pathological liar, but she suffers from a disturbing disorder that lays somewhere along the spectrum of what developmental Psychologists call Cluster-B personalities.
And with that, I’m seeing that it was her, all along, that was behind my gradual isolation with the family and others.
The above narrative was only a snippet of the methodical and intentional lies that she had told throughout many years. What I soon discovered shook all faith and re-wrote the history of our relationship.
- When Evil Is a Pretty Face: Narcissistic Females & the Pathological Relationship by Zari Ballard
- The Truth About Compulsive Liars – Psychologia
- Pathological Lying: Symptom or Disease? – Psychiatric Times
- How Do I Cope with Someone Being a Pathological Liar? – Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP on August 27, 2018 — Written by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst