Narcissism and the War on Truth
“Deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior.” ~Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door
The first cut is the deepest – why lies of omission cut so deep
“I just couldn’t bear to tell you”
“I was afraid of what you would think”
“I forgot to tell you” (about a relative’s death.
“I didn’t lie; I just didn’t tell you.”
It’s a horrible feeling when the element of trust is broken. And while all lies can be hurtful, sometimes what hurts most is silence. When a person purposefully withholds the truth or the full version of the truth, it is known as a “lie of omission.”
Lying by omission is when a person leaves out important information or fails to correct a pre-existing misconception in order to hide the truth from others.
Because a lack of vulnerability and transparency hampers communication, lies – by commission or omission, destroy the safety that is expected in all close knit relationships – be they friendships, romantic partnerships, or family.
Trust is fragile. Secrets and lies jeopardize trust and can damage us and our relationships – sometimes irreparably.
But in an intimate relationship, emotional honesty includes allowing our partner to know the core being of who you are. Honesty is more than simply not lying.
Deception includes making ambiguous or vague statements, telling half-truths, manipulating information through emphasis, exaggeration, hyperbole, or minimization.
Worse, is withholding information or feelings by omission, that are important to someone who has a “right to know” – because it affects the relationship and that person’s free choice. Although we may consider ourselves honest, few of us reveal all our negative thoughts and feelings about people we are close to. It requires the courage and strength to be vulnerable and authentic.
“There is only one way to know if you can trust somebody…..that is, to trust them.“
We have a right to information about our heritage. We have the right to communicate with our distant relatives and receive honest information without permission from a controlling narcissist. We have a right to know information about a close relative’s death, and to withhold even a mention is unconscionable.
To withhold information about your mother’s suffering and death is downright evil in it’s intention. And to tell differing narratives about her passing in a casual, unemphatic tone is telling of a very serious disturbance that I found shuddering.
Why do Narcissists Lie?
The question “why do Narcissists lie?” is an ever present one for victims and survivors of Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse.
Narcissists lie because it is their way of living in their existence, it’s their way of coping with their emptiness of human emotion. They must lie to keep the false facade in top shape, otherwise their life will crumble around them. Narcissists and other ASPD’s live a double life of cover-ups and lies. It’s as simple as that.
Pathological lying is merely a tool that the narcissist uses to feed their ego and protect their projected persona that covers the true, empty self that is void of emotion or conscience.
Why lie when it just hurts so many people and destroys so many families?
They don’t care who they hurt. They do it to further their self aggrandizement and belief of entitlement. They will bully, lie, cheat and steal and con their way to the top, and cover for it with their coy manipulation that provides cover for their corrupt core.
Plainly spoken, the malignant narcissist bamboozles their victims in to accepting their deceptive version of events, without remorse, guilt or shame.
Narcissists often lie by omission by telling minimal portions of truth so as to mislead others. It’s a form of manipulation.
In their world, rules don’t apply to them. They believe they are superior to others, therefore, they feel their lies are justified to their end game of domination.
Lies help the Narcissist by:
1. Maintaining their sense of control over others.
2. Keeping the flow of Narcissistic Supply at hand. (adulation)
3. Reassuring their grandiosity and entitlement, since they are omnipotent (god like) in their twisted mind.
4. Covering the ugly truth that their status in life isn’t as lofty as they want it to be.
5. Minimizing the importance of others.
Narcissists appear charming and outgoing in the beginning, but beware the false generosity and superficial charm of the malignant narcissist. The narcissist and other anti-social predators (psychopath/sociopath) are pathological liars who do so with ease and without thought. Listen intently, and you will begin to see their words self destruct from conflicting statements. If you question them, look closely at their eyes and observe the nuance of the face.
Chances are, you will get a glimpse of the deep wound that is covered by their mask of perfection.
This should be your first cue that something is awry with the interactions with these social predators.
How the Narcissist gets away with their lies
Many people seem to be trained to see the world with an objective vision. And because of this objectivity, people rarely look below the surface to see what is hidden behind the layers of perfectionism. As they seem to be accomplished, and they seem to be your perfect mate, they are willfully manipulating you to lower your defenses and to accept this perfectly constructed facade as a real character.
The covert Malignant narcissist can be extremely difficult to spot in a social environment, since they are always “on stage” and in character for their performance.
And, should you get glimpse of what lies beneath the mask of sanity – RUN, don’t walk. But, do so quietly.
I speak from experience.
- Pathological Lying Revisited | Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law
- How Secrets and Lies Destroy Relationships by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
- Why Lying By Omission Is Just As Hurtful And Damaging To Relationships by Sandra Alverez – aconsciousrethink.com
- Pathological Lying | Wikipedia