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OUT OF THE FOG | THE AWAKENING

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Imagine, if you will, coming to realize that the person who you loved and respected for a lifetime was never the person who (or what) you thought them to be?

The incomprehensible truth emerges from the depths of darkness to reveal that this (person) never existed at all. That they were nothing but an illusion, created by a lifetime of trust and unconditional love that was ingrained by virtue of being “family”.

It’s as if a light was suddenly switched on that overtook the shadows to reveal what lay cloaked behind a shroud of a false being. That this person was masquerading as human, concealing the emptiness that made up their true self, replacing it with a perfectionist image that walked through life undetected by many, myself included.

How do you feel when you realize that you’ve been betrayed for a lifetime?

Suddenly, all of the questionable events and confusion that surrounded this person begin to make sense. That it was them, all along, hiding in plain sight that was behind the many acts of turmoil and failures your life, and within your immediate family.

“this person was masquerading as human, concealing the emptiness that made up their true self, replacing it with a perfectionist image that walked through life undetected by many, myself included”

The cloud of fog lifts and what you see is frightening. You begin to ask questions and dig for answers, digging deep into your soul for the truth that you’ve been denied, only you see the diabolical maneuverings of a very sick individual.

You wonder how could you have been so blinded by trust to the obvious maliciousness? There were many signs along the way that could have shown a light on this developing anti-social personality dysfunction. The problem was, and still is, that it was unfathomable for myself to wrap my mind around such nastiness of behavior. What two former girlfriends had tried to warn me of years ago was now clear as crystal. And yes, they are “former” because of the sneaky behind the scenes maneuvering that ultimately led to our civil breakups. Past warning signs were there, and I possibly could have completed the asymmetrical puzzle years earlier.

The cloud of fog lifts and what you see is frightening. You begin to ask questions and dig for answers, digging deep into your soul for the truth that you’ve been denied, only you see the diabolical maneuverings of a very sick individual.

You wonder how could you have been so blinded by trust to the obvious maliciousness? There were many signs along the way that could have shown a light on this developing anti-social personality dysfunction. The problem was, and still is, that it was unfathomable for myself to wrap my mind around such nastiness of behavior. What two former girlfriends had tried to warn me of years ago was now clear as crystal. And yes, they are “former” because of the sneaky behind the scenes maneuvering that ultimately led to our civil breakups. Past warning signs were there, and I possibly could have completed the asymmetrical puzzle years earlier.

At that time, going “no contact” was my escape from a horrific abusive cycle that made no rational sense. Only, I couldn’t have fathomed that the manipulation and abuse would continue in my absence.

For many years, I had identified her as a Narcissist without understanding what the word meant in it’s entirety. As many such victims of Narcissist Abuse, we held a limited veiw of narcissism as someone who might be conceited, flamboyant, self-serving, or acting on a belief that they are better than others. What I failed to see beyond the common perception of the tragic characters of Narcissus and Echo in ancient Greek Mythology, that a relationship with a person with a Narcissist disorder is just as tragic as the myth espouses.

After a highly questionable event that occurred which would have been obvious to anyone, a malicious behind the scenes maneuvering was taking place and was designed to further injure my perceptable character. This event had followed a pattern of previous personal attacks and was now in the open for all to see. She had wasted no time in successfully pulling off another of her sneak attacks without the benefit of my knowledge or even disclosing the reasoning behind it.

An attempt to discuss what had previously occurred was futile, and left me with the obvious understanding the this girl was lying through her teeth, while twisting the conversation while trying to confuse the matter. I hung up the phone with more questions than I had previously.

At that time, going “no contact” was my escape from a horrific abusive cycle that made no rational sense. Only, I couldn’t have fathomed that the manipulation and abuse would continue in my absence.

For many years, I had identified her as a Narcissist without understanding what the word meant in it’s entirety. As many such victims of Narcissist Abuse, we held a limited view of narcissism as someone who might be conceited, flamboyant, self-serving, or acting on a belief that they are better than others. What I failed to see beyond the common perception of the tragic characters of Narcissus and Echo in ancient Greek Mythology, that a relationship with a person with a Narcissist disorder is just as tragic as the myth espouses.

After a highly questionable event that occurred which would have been obvious to anyone, a malicious behind the scenes maneuvering was taking place and was designed to further injure my perceptible character. This event had followed a pattern of previous personal attacks and was now in the open for all to see. She had wasted no time in successfully pulling off another of her sneak attacks without the benefit of my knowledge or even disclosing the reasoning behind it.

An attempt to discuss what had previously occurred was futile, and left me with the obvious understanding the this girl was lying through her teeth, while twisting the conversation while trying to confuse the matter. I hung up the phone with more questions than I had previously.

“Still, I had no idea how bad things could get.”

Opening my laptop, I entered a search for “narcissist” and was immediately overtaken with surprise of well over a million queries on the subject. Randomly selecting links, and related links on the subject, they all seemed to read identically.

The revelation troubled me deeply and I attempted to repress the notion that a trusted and much loved “sister” would be actively seeking my destruction with alienation of family, resources, and other support groups. Now, it all made sense – the puzzle was complete, and the picture is right.

With evidence in view of numerous casualties of this highly destructive personality disorder that I’m reading about on website after website, it didn’t take long to realize that this trusted “sister” was clearly an extreme Pathological Narcissist, covert and Machiavellian with her tactics.

Suddenly burdened by a crushing weight of betrayal, I was shaken to my core with the understanding that my life has been a complete lie, up to that point. She had tight controls of any narrative that she wished to create in order for me to suffer the consequences of her own deeply shameful behavior that I had supposedly witnessed many years prior as a young man.

It didn’t take long to realize that this trusted person was clearly a Pathological Narcissist, covert and Machiavellian with her tactics.

Do these people all have the same playbook?, I asked myself. After three years of studying the topic of Narcissism and the related Personality Disorders and their respective symptoms, the answer to that is a resounding YES!.

Still, I had no idea how bad things could get.

DISCOVERING A NARCISSIST INJURY

I never wanted to believe that my sister had fatal intentions for me, and continued to be in a form of denial about the severe Narcissism that all my studies shown she suffered from. Still, I needed answers to these nagging questions. I made a road trip to clear my mind and for some serious introspection. By happenstance, I watched a movie called “Backtrack”. It was about a psychoanalyst who was haunted by “ghosts” of his past (sound familiar). It was during this movie that I could “see” entire former events as they occurred as if being replayed on a newsreel.

To those who know the true me, they will tell you that I have a memory that’s almost “total recall”. It’s a hereditary gift from my mother and father. On this occasion. rising out of the deep recesses of repression came images and events that were puzzling at best, yet my early pangs of suspicion were met with high denial because of the bond of family. Yes! It was her all along that caused those moments of turmoil and confusion, never being answered, and eventually shelved away in the library of my mind.

Feeling depressed and angry, I made the call and caught her off-guard and in the company of her new husband. On my end, her squirms and multiple different answers to an easy question was telling. What’s more, was her deflection of the question and aggressive gaslighting that I was having no interest in hearing. I was asking a simple question and I wanted an honest answer.

“It’s as if a light was suddenly switched on that overtook the shadows to reveal what lay cloaked behind a shroud of a false being.”

This is one of the signs of a Malignant Narcissist – they absolutely fear and hate being questioned and will deflect, stonewall, lie through omission, and confuse the question. Once you get them out of their well rehearsed talking points, they will crumble, as a pathological liar doesn’t remember how they answered, or if they even talked about that in the past.

We set a time the next day for a discussion on my mother’s estate that not a single word had ever been spoken to me about. I had many questions since I broke “no contact” with this group a few years earlier. Looking for answers, the resulting conversation was trite, with an extreme arrogance on her part, surprisingly, on a younger sister’s tone also. Having found that the youngest sister had been given “Power of Attorney” over the estate, as well as “Executor” of the Will seemed to display a gross conflict of interest. The topic quickly was diverted to the narcissist, and remained there for the duration of the call which grew increasingly insulting towards me.

Now, I get it, and my fears are being justified. The photocopies that were emailed to me screamed of a bad forgery.

She was caught and she knew it. But that was just the beginning of my troubles, as I had no clue as to the damage that the Malignant Narcissist is capable of piling on at that time. What came next was nothing short of evil in full display. She was hiding and would stop at nothing in her attempt to gain information about who I was talking to, what about. It would take several months of being stalked, harassed, electronic stalking, stolen mail, damaged vehicle, tracked and spied on to gain the full understanding of her sickness of mind. Internet forums were baited, social media friends and business relationships gone. Jobs were suddenly lost without known cause. I began a great worry for my safety.

The very good advice of “NEVER EXPOSE OR CONFRONT A MALIGNANT NARCISSIST” that is posted on many of the Narcissist Abuse forums was not heeded, and quite frankly, I am not listening as evidenced by this website. I am armed with truth and the facts and pose no threat to an innocent.

After all of this, I have not a single clue as to what I’m actually being accused of. Any inquiry I have made have all fallen flat, either with total silence, or an avoidance of the questions all together. I only have the knowledge of her sordid past and wouldn’t have thought to disclose personal information to another for the sole purpose of smearing a reputation.

However, I will travel to the ends of the earth to set the record strait and to expose this twisted soul for not who, but rather, what she is.

Which makes it all the more dangerous.

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