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If you can wrap your mind around the bone shaking revelation of discovering a lifelong betrayal from a very close family member, then you would probably understand just how shocked and horrified I became after it all sunk in. This is not a reality that I would wish upon anyone at anytime. It was, and continues to be an extremely traumatic experience.
Perhaps the most anxiety that you will experience from waking up to this nightmare scenario, is getting a grasp on the trap that they had meticulously set up for you. At every turn you will see the mines that have been carefully laid for your further demise.
Then you come to see that the recent event that opened your eyes to the sneaky and highly deceptive manuever was nothing but a lie propped up by many other lies. Yes, it is all beginning to make sense.
Digging deep into your personal experiences and family history, the perplexing questions about behaviors of the “actors” in our melodrama of family were becoming clear. With haunting images and echos of dysfunction which sometimes left you feeling confused, mis-understood, and even lonely were now being shown in clear light. The pieces are falling in to place, fitting perfectly to complete the puzzle.
Possibly you figure out that the person(s) whom you had been led to believe were behind questionable events (usually at critical moments or hights of acheivement) that were torpedoed without warning, were innocent. That they were nothing more than a pawn used to deflect blame.
The big picture that emerges slowly from the fog, is such that makes you feel ill. You might, as I did, begin to lose the ability to focus on not much more than coming to grips with a lietime of lies. That nothing you had ever thought about the one who you had looked up to and respected was true. They were emerging as a seriously disordered coward that concealed her true self.
Just as a chameleon changes their identity in order to blend in with their surroundings, so too does the predetory covert narcissist. The narcissist must conceal itself in order to be fed the supply of emotion and gratification that it so needs for survival, continuously changing identities as they change their environment.
Because I was very closely related to this person in kinship as a brother, I was keenly aware of her personality and noticed changes over the years that we were together as family. What I didn’t understand the “scapegoating” that seemed to come out of nowhere, for no logical reason.
It was as if all ills of the family were being placed around my neck to carry shame and gulit of something unknown, that I was the chosen one to carry the blame. But, I would have no part of it and protested with my innocence, only then to be labeled a liar.
This scapegoating came from the brother and sister and I never knew why, until more recently. Little did I see or suspect that it was all a strategy to weaken me to a point to where the I became easy to trap and to further weaken should I gain independence and knowlege of their techniques.
The traps that were laid down many years prior were now well polished and rehearsed. It was quite easy to deploy them at her will to further sabotage my well-being should my discovery of this horror scenario threaten the once again color change of her chameleonic projection of the false self.
Except, there was a problem that remained. Me. I held the truth and I would not be bashful about the defense of my character.
Within my core being, I have a belief that truth doesn’t need protection. It is truth and therefore incorruptible, as it is firmly positioned a foundation of rock. However, a thoroughly unscrupulous person can torpedoe your chance to show that rock of truth in clear light.
They must destroy the messenger.
Waking up to the skill of the narcissist
You suddenly understand that you are trapped by nothing less than a terrorist who employs asymmetrical guerrilla tactics in her war to remain superior and in control. Their very first objective is and always has been to eliminate any chances to be exposed for the carefully constructed facade, or false self that they have created for their survival.
The psychological and emotional wound that the pathological narcissist had suffered as a child was so devastating to their true self, that total discard of that true self was necessary for survival. However, the emotional emptiness and scar of that trauma remain, and is triggered by the slightest suspicion – real or imagined.
Their threat to themselves must be eliminated by any and all means necessary. With their grandiose sense of entitlement, there are no boundaries of morality or of the law to keep them from achieving their objective.
“If you are a member of a narcissistic family–whether you are the child of a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father or both, or the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling or are married to a narcissist, always remember that you hold the truth. Narcissists live in a state of grandiose delusion of their making. More powerful and influential narcissists in the family put pressure on those who are more dependent personalities to convince them to go along to get along with them. I have had contact with many victims of narcissistic family abuse who have spent years at the mercy of their narcissistic families, including their spouses. For years and even decades those individuals in these pathological families who are free of delusion and know and speak the truth are ostracized and become the target of disdain, humiliation and shunning. Often their family members let everyone know that they have a very sick and confused person in their midst. They spread rumors about you when you are the only one who knows the truth about yourself and them and their multitude of secrets and treacheries. In other cases the narcissists in the family pretend that you don’t exist and make you invisible and non-existent in their minds and through their actions.”
Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi P.hD
The narcissist’s false sense of superiority that is but one of the ego driven false characteristics that are needed to fill the void of their true self allows her to freely smear, threaten, lie, and break numerous laws in order to silence you. There are many such documented cases of where a narcissist has created heinous “crimes” in order to set up their target for the ultimate of betrayals should the target be seen as uncontrollable.
I experienced this first hand, as I was accused of a felony theft where none had occurred. When that attempt failed, another accusation was attempted, again via proxy, this time to be thwarted by a cooler head who was on to her sneak attacks. The narcissist was caught red-handed.
However you react to the narcissist’s abusive tactics, you will be called the abuser, the troublemaker, the cause of all problems. It’s as simple as that.
Be it righteous indignation, or an honest, civil discussion, you will be smeared as the abusive agressor. Time will not be wasted in relaying that you, the abused, are at fault and therefore guilty of eveything that had ever occurred withing the bounds of that relationship.
In other words, the narcissist will frame the self defense of your innocence as being the aggressive abuser. Unfortunately, the abusive pathology of the narcisssit does not stop there.
Narcissists are known for certain destructive social patterns. Anybody who has had the misfortune of dealing with narcissists may notice that whenever there’s a conflict or any type of disagreement, they tend to act in an abhorrent, yet predictable manner.
PREDICTABLE PATTERNS OF A SOCIAL PREDATOR
- Denial and delusion
- Pathological Lying
- Character Assassination
If they are especially devious and Machiavellian, they may harbor the casual disagreement or conflict for a time, and only then twist the narrative and accuse you of being guilty of the stated disagreement or conflict, however minor and petty or innocently it was originally stated.
Any perceived contradiction to their outward projection will be defended, and any slight will be remembered. More than likely, you be be “marked” as someone to watch closely for additional signs of your discovery of what lay behind the mask.
A Fall into the trap
Armed with some damning evidence, I made a fool hearted attempt to confront her about the two-faced lies that I had caught her telling to me and about me, only to be thwarted by her new tool that was clearly being used to further her need for protection against exposure.
His face shown as being just as guilty as her as I approached him at the dock. Clearly, she had recruited him through manipulation and the coy deception that she wraps in a feigned innocence. Never mind that he is also her new husband – the fourth, which I tried to warn him about her.
Yes, she was hiding and wanted no discussion or question that would openly reveal her malignancy. She was caught and could no longer play the acting role that concealed her true self.
I watched and listened to him lying through his teeth, and then and there I understood that I was as good as dead to them. 40 years of friendship gone in a period of a few hours.
Well, I wasn’t going to go away as if I never existed and was determined somehow, within all legal boundaries, to get through to this guy who used to be my friend, and talk some sense to him.
After the promise he made to me to arrange a public meeting with the narcissist was left unfulfilled, I attempted to talk to his ex-wife in hopes that I could reach him that way. That her ex-husband had been deceived and is now married to a dangerous predator was something that I was compelled to disclose.
What had bothered me most about his avoidance of me or the topic, was that I knew that this wasn’t a character trait of the person I’ve known. The narcissist had wasted no time in manipulating him against me. He was now her enabler and scout.
And he isn’t aware of his real role in this nightmare drama, for as a new husband, he has to believe her sordid words of lies that will allow her to continue living inside of her fantasy…a most diabolical fantasy that’s built upon the carcasses of many such victims, including her biological family.
Attempting to safely communicate with her was showing itself to be an impossible endeavor. Even as my attempt was genuine and showed no hostilities other than to overwhelm her with evidence of her corruption, I was, however, in no mood for her gaslighting and under-handed excuses. I needed this to be done in a public location of her choosing.
Once you suspect that you are dealing with a pathological narcissist and many of the warning signs are present, follow the professional advice that I never heeded – ‘never, never, never, communicate with a Narcissist unless it is recorded in one way or another. Either by email, written responses, recorded telephone calls, or full video. You will need these to set the record straight.”
Even then, there is no guarantee that they won’t employ criminally deceptive tactics as hacking into your email and other accounts and delivering messages to themselves that could implement you in something that you would have never dreamed of doing.
Attempting to confront a narcissist was a foolish mistake as I landed right in the trap that was set for me. I knew at the time that it was outside of my integrity and boundaries as I’ve never wanted to drag others or his family into the matrix, and told him as much.
My behavior was fueled by emotion and not thought through. And this lifelong phony was going to escape any questioning and consequences of her diabolical and criminal maneuverings.
The reaction was my responsibility, and the narcissist will focus entirely on the reaction versus the actual abuse that took place. It’s a fantastic misdirection technique and one of the dirty tricks that the narcissist plays.
“t’s a fantastic misdirection technique and a dirty trick that the narcissist plays.”
One of the biggest tools of the narcissist is using some sort of emotional provocation that usually comes through words meant to provoke you and get that emotional response. When you react, you feed the narcissist. You end up feeding the manipulator with your emotional reaction. This is Narcissist Supply.
If you must communicate with the narcissist be prepared for some serious word bending and circular conversations that will lead nowhere but to confusion. It is important that you arm yourself with the power of your convictions and most of all, be unwavering in the face of serious deflection and gaslighting techniques, and even dirty smear attacks that they will employ in order to throw you off balance.
“Keep your eye on the ball” as it’s said in any given strategic game, as there will be much at stake.
Since the narcissist has no definition of boundaries the goal posts often change to accommodate their mortal fear of losing and their need for victory. Along the way, the battle will be nasty and dirty while deploying dirty tricks that a normal and healthy person wouldn’t dream of instigating towards another. Even in defeat, they will turn the loss onto you.
How you respond to the narcissist is your responsibility.
If you must, it’s probably best if you just smile a lot, and say nothing. Or, better yet, Just Don’t Do It.
Which makes it all the more disheartening.